Empathy
by Nightwind
Summary: Sideswipe finds a surprisingly sympathetic ear. Sequel of sorts to "Birds of a Feather" and "Monkey."


_Weeeeellllllll, for those of you who've read "Monkey" and "Birds of a Feather," apparently there's a little bit more to be squeezed out of my cerebrum. (And if you __**haven't**__ read both of those, you need to before you read this one because this doesn't stand alone.) Suddenly, Raoul barged into my grey matter, although he at least had the courtesy to do so yesterday afternoon and not at some god-awful hour of the morning. Still, it was very disconcerting since he's never been in there before. But! I discovered while hosting him that he has something of an interesting perspective on the Autobots, being somewhat outside of them. This seems to be so even though, from what we actually saw in the 'toon, he didn't get to interact with a whole lot of them since, y'know, he's a New Yawker and the 'Bots is Western folk. Or at least that was the case until I, for the purposes of this storyline, made Raoul a Westerner, too. (And I should say here, in case you've missed it in the notes to other stories I've written, that IMO Autobot Headquarters is in northern Arizona, not Oregon. Why is not really important; mostly it has to do with me having formed such an opinion __**long**__ before I read the original comics, which is where the whole Oregon thing came from. But this is why Phoenix is somewhat close to Autobot HQ, for my purposes, but not right next door. It's both close enough and far enough away, at the same time.) So yeah, Raoul wanted a piece of the action, so I bounced him off Sideswipe for like fifteen pages last night and into the wee hours of this morning, and this is the (somewhat edited) result. _

_I'm still not sure where this storyline is going or even if it's going anywhere at all. And I don't usually "publish" stuff until/unless I know where it's going, so this is very new (and scary) territory for me. I'm flying blind, and I offer my apologies for it because I know that it shows. So, I decided to "publish" this as a separate story rather than as a new chapter of "Birds of a Feather" precisely because I don't know where this is all going and don't want to give the impression that any one story will ever be a big on-going one…because I don't know that it will be. The ideas might dry up and the voices might hit the mute button at any time, and then that will be that until/unless they start to flow and speak again. So any future stories will likely be separate stories, too, unless/until I figure out what I'm doing with this storyline, overall. _

_I do know that there is __**something**__ brewing in my brain; I can feel it, but I'm just not clear on what it is yet. I do know that Prowl wants a say and that he is less-than-happy with the whole situation. (Turns out that Sideswipe does have one sort-of friend in a high place.) Optimus wants a say, too, perhaps to defend himself. (There actually __**is**__ a logical – yet also very emotional – reason why he's being a prick, besides me simply wanting to tarnish his sterling a bit.) And poor Bluestreak has things to say, too, bless his adorable little spark, and I'm itching to dive into his angst 'cuz, y'know, ANGST! Plus, there're Sideswipe's sundry issues to deal with (MOAR ANGST…although some of it gets touched on in here), and there's even something brewing in my neurons about *shudder* Sunstreaker and…Yeah, there's lots that I could do with this storyline, to be sure. I'm just not sure how to tie everything together and/or whether or not I really want to address everything that I could theoretically address. Maybe I should take a vote. *laughs* You tell me what you'd like to see!_

_Overall, I do very much like the idea of interpersonal conflict amongst the 'Bots that lasts longer than the span of a given crisis. (As in, say, the brief bit of Mirage/Cliffjumper conflict in "Traitor" that's all resolved and happy by the end of the episode, Brady Bunch style.) I will often inject such conflict, to varying degrees, into the stories that I write simply __**because**__ I like it. And I like the idea of a small but (very) slowly-growing undercurrent of dissension and resentment amongst the Autobots. This is part of the reason why I like Tracks so much, because he just doesn't fit in but isn't at all angsty about it. He's proud that he doesn't fit in, and I like that. And it's definitely part of the reason why I like the Dinobots so much, too. But at the same time, I don't want to push the conflict thing too far because too much of such conflict, I think, is just as unbelievable as too little of it. _

_So yeah. Sorry for the long note, but I wanted to let y'all know where I'm at with this storyline, at the moment. I guess just…stay tuned, if you're interested in this whole overall idea. I'll make it clear in summaries which stories belong to this "continuity," and I'll "number" them so that they can easily be read in order. But in the meantime, have a long-ass conversation between Raoul and Sideswipe. Warnings for moderate pottymouth from Raoul and…grilled cheese sandwiches? Yeah, whatever…_

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Raoul heard the engine noise first. But then, he always did. The Autobots might look just like the vehicles that they mimicked on the outside, down to ridiculously fine details sometimes…but their guts were an entirely different story, and it showed. Bumblebee lacked the signature wheezing rattle of classic VW Bugs. Optimus Prime could go from zero to a hundred in about two seconds flat if he wanted to, so he lacked the seemingly endless gear-shifting required of a "real" semi before it reached cruising speed. "Real" Indy cars were obscenely loud, but Mirage could run silently if he wanted to. Plus, of course, he had that damned cloak; Raoul had more than once walked unawares into the spy's invisible bulk sitting in the middle of his parking area, at least until he had invoked the "No invisibility on my property, dammit!" rule.

In fact, to Raoul, _none_ of the Autobots sounded like "real" vehicles; they all had a certain ineffable _something_ different about their engine sounds, a quality that was glaringly obvious to Raoul but that anyone not intimately familiar with automotive engines would likely never notice. And they each sounded slightly different from each other, too, each subtly unique in the same way that each human had unique fingerprints. And Raoul could easily identify two of the Autobots strictly by their engine sounds now. He'd been able to hear Tracks coming from a mile away for years now, and because he'd become a semi-frequent visitor, Raoul could pick Mirage out of a crowd now, too. If, of course, Mirage wasn't choosing to be all creepy-silent.

So it was definitely an Autobot and not the UPS guy that he was expecting who had just made the left from the packed-dirt county road onto his gravel-and-dirt driveway, meaning that said Autobot was about two hundred meters from the garage that Raoul was currently working in. But it wasn't Mirage or Tracks. And it wasn't a Dinobot, of course. They didn't have automotive engines and, in any case, they always arrived out of nowhere by air, usually surprising the living hell out of Raoul…although the fact that he considered it business-as-usual to have a mechanized _Pteranodon_ roosted on his roof and a mechanized _Stegosaurus_ blissfully basking on his always-sunny back patio was a clear indication to Raoul of the extreme level of weird that had existed in his life pretty much since the moment he'd first laid eyes on a bashed-up Tracks.

But in any case…Not Tracks. Not Mirage. Not a Dinobot. So that left…the newbie.

Raoul had seen but had never really met Sideswipe. He'd never even seen Sideswipe's "brother," and from what Tracks had told him, that was a very good thing; the prospect of the "good twin" was creepy and scary enough as it was. Raoul had no idea what to expect from him. It wasn't every day that one met half of a person who had once been a serial killer, after all. Raoul found himself wishing that there was a convenient Dinobot around, that Slag hadn't decided to leave the day before…

Sighing, careful not to whack his head on the upraised hood of the vintage Jag that he'd been hired to refurbish, Raoul straightened and then turned away from his project. By the time he'd stepped out of the garage and out into afternoon sunshine intense enough that he had to shield his eyes from the glare with his hand, the bright red Lamborghini was already half-way up his driveway.

Even with his finish dulled by dust and dirt from the trip down to the Phoenix area, portions of which involved dirt roads in varying states of repair, the approaching Autobot was a true beauty, Raoul had to give him that. He stood there, watching Sideswipe approach, appreciating the Autobot's aerodynamic lines and the rumbling purr of his engine…and trying to appear far less nervous than he felt. Sideswipe came to a slow halt a few meters away from Raoul, his engine cycling down to a low idle, the sleek prow of the Lamborghini pointed right at the human in a vaguely threatening sort of way.

It was generally very difficult to "read" the Autobots in their alternate forms, but they did radiate a distinct kind of energy and a strange sense of vigilant awareness. They had a certain overall vibe about them that plain old cars just didn't have and could never have. Raoul had gotten pretty good at interpreting vehicle-mode Autobot vibes over the years, and he could tell that this one was "staring" at him warily, that he was scrutinizing him and possibly scanning him, that he was sizing Raoul up every bit as much as Raoul was attempting to size him up. The thought wasn't very comforting, and the fact that the Autobot didn't say a word was unsettling, to say the least.

Yet, at the very same time, when he "looked" just a little deeper, just under the surface, Raoul could detect a clinging air of vulnerability, even of fear, about this one. Tracks had told him that Sideswipe had not been treated at all well by his brethren lately, the revelation of his…nature…having happened only recently and his star falling rather spectacularly as a result. So he was suspicious of everyone and everything, never sure how he'd be received or treated, and he was afraid and uncertain because of it. But even had Raoul not known all of that, it would have been obvious to him. The fact that Sideswipe's engine was still running and that he was content to remain in his alternate form meant that he was completely ready to bolt, like a spooked racehorse on crack, if he felt a need to. It meant that he was apparently as uneasy about Raoul as Raoul was about him.

The situation suddenly reminded Raoul of when the Dinobots had first shown up, all five of them at once that first time. He had been absolutely terrified of them. They were utterly intimidating, just as they had been designed to be. They were all sharp metal teeth and shining metal claws and skewering horns and sharp beaks and fiery breath and viciously-spiked tails. They were mechanized, armed-to-the-teeth versions of long-dead but still very real monsters that had long loomed large in Raoul's own subconscious, occasionally generating nightmares of being chased through dark, dripping jungles by slavering, roaring tyrannosaurs. Yet, as it had turned out, the Dinobots had been just as afraid of him at first, in their own way. And now, having gotten to know them fairly well, Raoul knew all five of them to be big pussycats, really. Stubborn and argumentative pussycats to varying degrees, but pussycats all the same. Remembering this, and knowing that Sideswipe was afraid in his own way, too, Raoul felt his own nervousness, his own uncertainty in the face of Sideswipe, dissipate. He then felt comfortable enough to break the ice between himself and this latest arrival on his doorstep, like an abandoned baby in a basket.

"You must be Sideswipe," Raoul said, and he was happy to hear that his voice was completely steady.

"I am," the Autobot answered, very quietly, after a long moment of silence during which he was quite obviously trying to decide whether to answer or to cash in his chips and run the hell away. He'd even twitched and fidgeted a little while he'd deliberated, just like that spooked racehorse. "And you must be Raoul," Sideswipe eventually added, almost hesitantly. He was much more soft-spoken than Raoul had expected.

"I am," Raoul confirmed with a nod and what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "Can I get you anything?" he asked after a moment. "I've got energon stored here. Slag was just down, and he replenished my supply, so there's plenty, if you need."

Sideswipe seemed almost surprised at the offer, and it took him a moment to answer, "I'm fine. I mean, no, thank you."

Raoul smiled at him again and said, "Well, let me show you where the storage shed is, in case you need some later."

"All right," Sideswipe agreed, and he gamely followed when the human headed off to the left, passing between two garages.

"Just…make yourself at home," Raoul said as he walked and Sideswipe rolled quietly and very slowly alongside him. "I mean, you can't fit in the house, obviously, but anywhere else is all yours. This garage," he said, patting the wall of the much-larger of the two garages that they were passing between, "is for you guys. It's climate-controlled, and you'll find that inside it has some conveniences that you'll appreciate. We're working on accumulating more as time goes on. And then out here," he continued, gesturing around himself, "there's twenty-eight acres, and the perimeter is fenced, so you'll know when you reach the border. There are some old outbuildings scattered around the property. They're not very pretty and they're even less sturdy, but you can use 'em if you go roaming and the weather goes south on you while you're out. It does that pretty suddenly here, more than you're used to even though you're just a ways up the road, and _way_ more than _I'm_ used to, that's for sure."

"Do you like it here?" Sideswipe asked suddenly but still quietly. "I mean," he said, "it's so much different than New York City…"

Raoul snorted.

"Ain't it the truth?" he said ruefully. "Honestly, it took me forever to get used to the silence, y'know? It was…creepy. But now I actually appreciate it. And it's so dark here, too, 'cuz I'm pretty far from downtown. But then I realized that you can see so many more stars at night, 'cuz the air's so much cleaner and clearer. I can even see Cybertron's star, which I couldn't see in the City 'cuz of all the lights. It's pretty amazing. And…and I don't have to keep looking over my shoulder here, wondering who's gonna jump me next 'cuz of some debt I owe 'em or that they think they can scare me into paying even if I don't owe 'em anything. It was a little lonely at times…until I started accumulating you 'houseguests,' so even that went away. So now it's…pretty cool all around. The work that the place needs and stuff that I want to do to it keep me busy, plus I'm slowly building up a car restoration business. Annnnnnnd…On top of everything, I get to see a lot more of Tracks now, too. So…Yeah, I like it now. I think I like it a lot."

"You think?" Sideswipe echoed, his voice almost sounding amused.

"Jury's still out on some things," Raoul answered with a shrug. "Like, it's a really long drive to the grocery store, and _no one_ delivers pizza out here. Then again, it ain't like anyone out here knows how to make a decent pizza anyway…" he grumbled.

Sideswipe actually chuckled, and Raoul sensed that he was starting to relax a bit. He had discovered long ago that mindless, meaningless chatter soothed nervous mechanoid aliens from outer space as much as it tended to soothe nervous humans from Brooklyn. It was kind of odd that the two species had that in common, but it _did_ work, and he wasn't going to argue with success. He paused then, Sideswipe halting alongside him, and pointed off to the right, to an odd-looking and very tall shed-like affair.

"There's a…shower of sorts in there, so if you want a wash, there you go. It's big enough that Sludge fits in there, so you should be just fine. There's solvent and chamois and stuff, everything you need. It filters and recycles the water to conserve it, plus I put Slag's ass to work while he was here and had him haul up some fresh water from the well, so it's all ready to go."

"All right," Sideswipe answered agreeably.

Raoul continued, pointing to a smaller outbuilding to the left, "And over there is the shed where we keep the energon. It's not locked or anything, so just help yourself whenever you need. I just let Tracks know when I need more and he brings it or sends it down with the next one of you coming here, so…don't feel like you have to be stingy or nothin'. Chow down, y'know?"

"I'll keep that in mind," Sideswipe said. He paused then, and Raoul could tell by the edge in his voice that he was thinking about something, so he waited, patiently, until Sideswipe asked, very quietly, "May I ask you a question, Raoul?"

"Anything," the human immediately answered with a shrug. "Well, _almost_ anything," he qualified a second later.

Softly, Sideswipe asked, "How much do you know about me?"

Raoul bit his lip uncertainly. He sat down on a nearby large, flat rock, and quietly answered, "Everything that Tracks knows."

"Oh," Sideswipe responded, and he sounded almost surprised. There was a frown in his voice, a very confused one.

"Is that a problem?" Raoul asked, suddenly feeling not a little confused himself.

"No," Sideswipe answered distractedly. "No, not at all. I'm… I'm glad, actually, because it means that I don't have to explain it. I'm tired of explaining it. I just thought that…that maybe you didn't know or at least that maybe you didn't know _everything_."

It was Raoul's turn to frown.

"Why's that?" he asked, curious.

"Because you aren't afraid of me," Sideswipe answered simply. "I mean, you were, a little bit, when I first pulled up…" he continued, his voice taking on an increasingly far-away quality, "but then you weren't afraid because you…just _decided_ not to be. And you decided not to be afraid because…because you could tell that _I_ was afraid of _you_."

Raoul's eyes widened; that was exactly how it had been, but…

"How the hell do you know all that?" he wanted to know.

And suddenly, Sideswipe was transforming. Raoul was alarmed for a moment, but when he had finished his voodoo the Autobot quickly sat down as well, a non-threatening but still close distance away.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Sideswipe asked, the tone of his voice almost urgent. "Something that no one else knows?"

"Me?" Raoul asked in return, his voice threatening toward squeaking. "You want to tell _me_, a guy you just met like fifteen minutes ago, a secret that no one else knows."

"Yes," Sideswipe answered levelly.

"Why, man?" Raoul responded, frowning quizzically.

"Because you asked," Sideswipe answered guilelessly, as if that answer should have been obvious. He frowned and then tilted his head slightly to the side, as if he was trying to catch the last audible repeat of a greatly faded echo, as he continued, "And because you're _still_ not afraid. You're just…confused, now."

Raoul swallowed nervously.

"OK, this is venturing into _seriously_ weird here, man," he informed the Autobot, resisting the urge to edge away.

Sideswipe nodded in agreement.

"Yes," he said faintly. "Yes, it _is_ seriously weird." And then he blinked, and his full attention suddenly focused on Raoul, who tried not to squirm under his gaze. "I can…feel things," Sideswipe explained. "That's the secret. I can feel what other people feel. Sometimes, that is. Usually it's when they're feeling stronger, negative emotions. Fear, anger, hatred, that sort of thing. It's possible that I can feel other things, too, maybe even _nice_ things, but I've always been…or at least I always _was_ more attracted to the negative things."

Raoul gawked at him.

"You mean…" he said hesitantly when he'd gathered his wits. "You mean that you can…read my mind?"

"No," Sideswipe immediately and reassuringly corrected, shaking his head vehemently for good measure. "No, it isn't like that, not at all. I can't tell what you're _thinking_, only what you're _feeling_. And only sometimes, at that. Except that…"

"Except that what?" Raoul asked blandly, due to being completely overwhelmed.

"I didn't think that it worked on humans," Sideswipe explained, frowning. "I mean, I haven't been around humans all that much, really, and I guess when I _was_ around them I just wasn't paying attention or…or they weren't feeling anything strongly enough for me to 'hear.' So I always assumed that it only worked on my own kind, but…"

"But obviously not," Raoul concluded.

"Obviously not," Sideswipe echoed, nodding and frowning at the human.

"And no one else knows about this?" Raoul asked.

"No," Sideswipe confirmed. "And I don't _want_ them to know," he added urgently. "Including Tracks, so please don't tell him."

"I won't, I promise, but…Well, forgive me, but _why_ is this a secret, man? I mean, why don't you want anyone to know?" Raoul asked. It didn't seem to him like it was that big of a deal. It was surprising and kind of off-putting, maybe, but not terrible in a Deep, Dark Secret™ kind of way.

But obviously it was a big deal to Sideswipe because he suddenly jerked to his feet as if he was a bird startled from its roost, and then he paced a few paces away, his back turned to Raoul. It may have been a trick of the light, but Raoul could have sworn that a tremor ran through him just before he said, very quietly, almost too quietly for Raoul to hear, "Because they're all afraid of me enough as it is."

It took a moment, but then the meaning behind Sideswipe's words sank into Raoul and, despite the heat of the day and the fact that he was sitting in full, intense sunlight, he shivered.

And he said, quietly, "Oh, sweet Mary, Mother of God. They're afraid of you, probably angry at you, hating on you, and…and you have deal with that, to _feel_ all of that all the time and…and…"

"Yes," Sideswipe said quietly, miserably, as Raoul's voice trailed off. "Anyone who knows about me is afraid of me. Even Tracks, although to his credit he at least tries not to be. But he is, deep down, just as everyone who knows about me is afraid of me or is angry at me or…or hates me or all of those things wrapped up together." Abruptly, he turned back to Raoul and added, "Everyone except _you_. You…have no idea what a relief that is. You said it's quiet here, and you're right. You're absolutely right. It's so _blessedly_ quiet."

Raoul swallowed, staring way up at Sideswipe's face as the Autobot closed his eyes, obviously basking in the silence.

"Stay as long as you like," he said sincerely. "But…Can't you…I don't know…block it all out or something?" Raoul asked hesitantly. "I mean, that's what the telepathic dudes on _Star Trek_ do. Like, mental shields or whatever."

Sideswipe shrugged.

"Even if it's possible to do so," he said quietly, "I don't know how to. And there's no one to teach me."

"You mean there's no one else like…like you?"

Sideswipe shook his head. He wearily sank to his knees and then sat back on his heels.

"There are records in Cybertron's history of others having this ability as well as other similar mental abilities, yes," he explained quietly, "but…I don't know if any others exist right now. I may be the only one…or I may not be. There is a long-standing rumor that Soundwave can read minds, and if he can, then that would make him a telepath. But whether that's the truth or it's just a Decepticon scare tactic no one really knows. But even if it _is_ true and he could help me…Well, it's not as if he would be _willing_ to help me."

Frowning, Raoul got to his feet then, his butt having gone somewhat numb from sitting on a rock. He began to pace. And think.

"Maybe…" he suggested, "Maybe you shouldn't keep this a secret anymore. I mean, maybe if the others knew, then they'd—"

Sideswipe snorted, interrupting Raoul.

"What? Control themselves?" he asked sarcastically. "Rein in their emotions to make poor little me feel more comfortable in their oh-so-superior midst? Trust me, Raoul, my comfort is the very _last_ thing on their minds."

Raoul scowled at that, and then he suddenly blurted, "God!" loudly and unexpectedly enough to make Sideswipe jump in alarm. The human didn't seem to notice. He just scowled even more deeply and then proclaimed, "You'd think it was a freakin' high school or something!"

"What?" Sideswipe asked, frowning.

Raoul snorted.

"It's what I think whenever Tracks or Mirage or the Dinobots tell me about this kind of asinine crap that goes on up there. It's like you're all a bunch of teenagers who will _never_ freakin' grow up."

Sideswipe chuckled despite himself.

"I mean, all the cliques are in place, even," Raoul continued, heedless. "You've got your popular kids, your jocks, your nerds, your goody-goodies, your bad boys…and your outcasts who fit in nowhere and so are fodder for all the other cliques. The only thing missing is people toking up in the bathrooms, and hell, maybe you even do that, too!" He paused and then added with a disappointed sigh, "Y'know, I always thought that aliens would be _way_ better than us in every possible way because, how could they be worse, right? But…I guess boneheadedness is a universal constant. Even if you don't actually have bones."

Sideswipe nodded in agreement.

"Actually," he said sadly, "in some ways, you humans have it far more together than we do. At least you're not involved in a global war that's dragged on for millions of years."

"Well, not _yet_, anyway," Raoul said with a disgusted snort. "Just give us some time. We'll catch up. 'Course, I don't think we'd ever get to the 'millions of years' part. Nah, we'll just chuck some nukes at each other, and then it'll all be over for us pretty quick. And then…Hey, you guys can have this place! Or what's left of it."

"I hope that doesn't happen," Sideswipe said quietly. And then, suddenly, he regarded Raoul with clearly fascinated curiosity. "Why is your skin turning red?" he wanted to know.

Raoul glanced at his bare shoulders, his torso clad only in a blue tank top, and said, "Oh, shit! I've been in the sun too long."

Sideswipe grimaced.

"You should go inside," he advised.

"No," Raoul said. "No, the front porch is covered. C'mon."

As they walked back toward the house, Raoul asked, "Y'know…Why don't you just leave them, Sideswipe? I mean, if they're treating you like shit, why not just…split and never look back?"

Sideswipe sighed.

"Oh, believe me," he answered fervently after a moment of silence, "the notion has crossed my mind more than once. But in the end…I just don't do well alone, I'm afraid."

Raoul snorted.

"I'd say a bit of loneliness is better than…than _that_," he opined.

"You don't understand," Sideswipe said gently, shaking his head, as they reached the house. Raoul settled himself in a chair in the porch roof's shade, leaning forward to fold his arms on the railing and then resting his chin on his folded arms. Sideswipe sat himself on the ground nearby, enjoying the sun's heat.

"Well," Raoul answered, "you'd be right about that. Wanna enlighten me?" And at the uncertain look that Sideswipe aimed at him, he added, "I mean, you don't _have_ to, of course, if it's private or whatever, but…"

"It isn't that," Sideswipe answered. "It's just that I'm not sure that you _can_ understand. I mean, because you have no frame of reference, not because…"

But Raoul was shrugging, taking no offense.

"Try me," he said. "If I don't get it, you'll be able to tell from the blank look and the drooling, and then you can write me off as a lost cause and I'll toddle stupidly inside and have a bubble bath and a grilled cheese sandwich, not necessarily in that order."

Sideswipe chuckled and then said, "You know, I'm beginning to see why Tracks likes you so much."

"Pfft!" Raoul responded dismissively. "Tracks likes me because no one else will have his sorry, arrogant ass. And Mirage has a very special talent for being even _more_ arrogant than Tracks. And _I_ get to deal with them both because God apparently hates me."

"No," Sideswipe countered, quite seriously, "No, I'd say that it's because Primus knows that they need you."

"Either that or I'm two for two, and Primus has me on his hatin' list, too," Raoul muttered. "So…?" he prompted.

And Sideswipe sighed.

"What do you know," he asked quietly, "about our sparks?"

Raoul shrugged.

"Not much," he admitted. "Tracks once said that they're the essence of your being, and he said it in kinda reverent tones, if ya know what I mean. So I figure they're kinda like souls only all…y'know…glowy and stuff."

Sideswipe thought about that and then said, "Well…Not quite. But that comparison will do well enough. So in your terms, then…I only have half a soul."

Raoul raised a dubiously inquisitive eyebrow at him.

"How's that work?" he asked, and Sideswipe sighed wearily.

"It doesn't, actually," he said, ruefully. "Oh, I stay alive, sure," he amended when he noticed the concerned look that Raoul was suddenly shooting at him, "but I'm not…whole. There are large parts of me that are missing. They're currently in stasis because Sunstreaker has them. But the thing is that I don't want those parts back because they were the things that made me so…_wrong _in the first place, and I _never_ want to go back to that. Yet, without them, I'm incomplete so… You see the Catch-22, maybe."

"I do," Raoul said, nodding and squinting thoughtfully. "Well, sort of. Still a bit fuzzy on why that makes you not want to be alone, I'll admit."

Sideswipe shrugged.

"Because my spark is forever, compulsively, seeking completion, like an ion with a missing electron. And just like an ion, now that I think about it, the ideal solution would be to bond with someone, but…yeah, like that will happen," he said with a dismissive snort. "I mean, even if someone was willing, I wouldn't wish the…stuff…that's in my consciousness on anyone. So…a very poor substitute, and the only option open to me, is to remain in close proximity to others. Others of my kind, that is. I mean, as much as I'm enjoying our chat here, Raoul, you don't have a spark, so…" He shrugged and finished morosely, "If I were to leave and isolate myself…Well, as much as I would relish the quiet, I don't think my sanity would survive for very long."

"But then how much longer is it going to survive up there?" Raoul asked very seriously, jerking his head toward the north to indicate Autobot Headquarters.

Sideswipe sighed.

"I guess we'll find out," he said quietly. "And maybe…since I can come here for a while sometimes, where it's so nice and quiet…maybe I might last a little longer. So thank you for allowing that, Raoul. And…for not being afraid."

"Dude, _anytime_," Raoul responded vehemently. And then after a moment spent contemplating Sideswipe's situation, he added, quietly, "I'm so sorry for…everything."

Sideswipe gave him an odd look.

"None of it is remotely your fault, Raoul," he pointed out.

Raoul shrugged.

"Doesn't mean I can't feel bad for you, man," he said. "You're not the only one who can do the empathy thing, y'know. I'm just not quite as…good at it as you."

Sideswipe smiled wanly.

"Trust me. For that, you should be very thankful," he said. "But…if you don't mind…I think I'd like to take some time and explore your property a bit now."

Raoul grinned at him.

"Sure," he said. "I'm starving, anyway, so I'm gonna go have that grilled cheese sandwich. And maybe a beer while I'm at it. But just yell if you need anything, 'K? I've got a comm inside."

Sideswipe nodded.

"Thank you," he said again. "For everything," he added meaningfully. "Tracks was right when he told me that you are excellent company."

And Raoul just smiled and slipped inside.


End file.
